No one wins in a "gender war." Nikki Giovanni knew that.

Women’s History - Nikki Giovanni’s final recorded works aren’t just poems—they are a survival guide for men.

Before Women’s History Month concludes, I want to share some insight into why my collaboration with Nikki was so healing for me, and why I believe it will be a catalyst for so many other men.

A friend once asked me which women I looked up to. I have many—Nikki, several women in my family, business partners, and social figures. But what was most interesting was reflecting on why they are role models for me, and how their influence differs from the men I admire.

Moving Beyond the "Gender War"

Current internet tropes love to dive into the "gender war" conversation. Without restating the usual social commentary, I bet you already have a hundred automatic thoughts about what modern relationships look like.

What I’ve realized as a coach is that most of these conversations are essentially pointless. Any conclusion that suggests "we don’t need one another" or "the other side is the only problem" can never make sense. The hard truth is that men and women need each other. Regardless of where you stand on non-binary or diverse gender expressions, those voices also challenge us to rethink our stereotypical and social definitions of identity. Those voices are needed, too.

The benefit of diverse lived experiences is the very basis of our shared humanity. To shift from gender wars to gender constructive discussions, we must keep these three coaching principles in mind:

1. Lead with Radical Curiosity

"Different" does not mean right or wrong; it simply means different. Too often, these conversations devolve into a comparison of struggles. What impressed me most about the tense conversations Nikki and I had was her fundamental commitment to curiosity.

She inspired me to do the same. She would always ask what I thought and truly give me the floor. Our brains are predisposed toward tribalism and dismissing "the other," but when we check the ego at the door and look for connection, everything changes.

2. Center the Connection

Nikki was a master of connecting through laughter, sarcasm, and storytelling. She was famously witty and would often smile at her own jokes, regardless of the gravity of the topic.

As a trauma-informed coach, I know the vital importance of engaging the "feeling" brain before the logical brain. We have entered a high-tension space where everyone is so focused on proving a point that we forget the small, vital moments of being human. Connection must come first; the point comes second.

3. Acceptance of Imperfection

If you’re human, you’re wrong about something. We often claim to be "open-minded," but in reality, we all hold beliefs we defend regardless of the evidence. There is a difference between honoring your own rigidity and performing "open-minded" clichés with no intention of changing.

We all have flaws in logic, blind spots, and conditioning. The only way to allow new information in is to be aware of this. Nikki was firm, and beautifully stubborn, on certain topics, yet she kept enough curiosity to evolve.

The Path to Healing - From “Drowning In The Open”)

What I learned from Nikki Giovanni was undoubtedly shaped by her experiences as a woman, but what stays with me most is how she approached the art of being human.

As I mentioned in my last article, we need men who can act as Community Life Guards. I think part of the Gender War pressure has many men disengaging when coupled with the battles we deal with that no one sees. The three practices I’ve shared, curiosity, centering connection, and accepting imperfection, are essential tools for every man’s "life-saving" kit. Whether due to socialization or nature, we have a responsibility to do our part in ending the gender war.

For me, that means approaching our differences with true curiosity, leading with connection, and accepting our human imperfections. I’ve come to love the fact that I learned these vital lessons from a woman who led with love, regardless of how she gained her wisdom. With this mindset, we can finally move out of the "wars" and into the spaces of collective healing we all truly need.

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